C is for…

A pretty simple and short post, I hope.

I “met” Sam a year ago, through gaming, more spesificly wow. We found out we had a lot in common, spesifically gaming, but that’s not why I am writing.

We have come to the letter C…

The C will stand for CHVRCHES. It’s actually a band that Sam was very into at the time, if he is now or not, I am not sure. But I dare say that it’s one of his favorite bands. And after he introduced it to me I’ve become very fond of it, infact fallen in love with the music.

So there is not much else to say then, C equals Chvrches.

Here is one of the songs:

Maybe you don’t like this song specifically, but they do have a lot of good songs which I have fallen in love with.

But then again, all our tastes differ 🙂 This music helped me at least through some hard times.

That was C, Ciao.

Writing from A to Z.

So there is this thing, the A to Z challenge. I am not sure if there are rules to this or whatever. Or if it’s just something someone made up once and just went on with it. But I think I wanna try this my own way, just writing through the alphabet whenever I feel like it. We all know that I get easily burned out from challenges, well I know okay, I KNOW! 😛

I saw SunnyBynny doing this for herself and I though. “Yeah, that sounds like fun”. 

So thank you Sunny for the idea, and for following my blog around every where, these past few years haha.

Don’t know how often I will be writing these blog posts or if I will even finish, but If I don’t put a timeline on it, it’s likely that I can make it till the end.  Some posts will be boring, some will be fun (hopefully) and probably be about a lot of personal stuff. But I’m not shy about writing about personal stuff, I’ve done that before 😛

So what starts with A that can describe me or fit into my thoughts, or something I like to do?! I mean there are so many, Angelic, Ageless, Awesome! Bwaha, jokes.

Okay I will start with the letter A!

Accept

This word or meaning has been a big part of my life the last few years. A word that has popped up a lot from many different people, professionals, family and friends, including myself.

To accept who I am, how I am. To accept that I am not always well, to accept all the steps I take forward, that sometimes even if I work really hard, I will fall. But not so far down that the steps forward was for nothing.

Accepting that getting better, is work in it self, that I am not a useless person who is lazy or a waste of time and space. These were hard things for me to get past, for the most part I have, but sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow.

I have earned my spot to be here, even if I am not the most productive member of society at this point, I am someone, to somebody, I am important.

I am not anxiety, nor am I depression.

But these things are apart of me. Accepting that has been hard, but I feel better accepting that these conditions are there, rather then just ignoring them and hoping they would go away.

I don’t believe they will ever go completely away. Some conquer it, some have to live with it. I think I will have to live with it. It’s not that I want to, I just believe that they will stay. I am a sensitive person, I have had anxiety’s all my life. But I have tools now, to keep it more under control. Accepting that things are shit sometimes, but I will feel better.

In some ways I think I have it easier, then the people around me.

I know how I am feeling, but for other people, who have to live with my rollercoaster-rides, how can they cope? They have to chose and accept me for who I am, and what I deal with. And that can be a tricky and hard decision to make. To accept depression and anxiety into their lives. As I said, it’s not who I am, but it is apart of me, there for it will be apart of those around me.

Maybe that is a thing I need to learn to accept, that others have to make that decision on their own. They chose to stay or leave, it’s not up to me and I should trust them to make that choice for themselves.

Accepting that I am a person that people can like.

There was a time where I felt sorry for people that had to be around me. Like in work environments, that is something I’ve mentioned before. But yes, coming to terms that I can be a likable person took a lot of therapy, a lot of hard thinking, crying, digging far into myself to find qualities that are good about myself. Understanding the fact that people like those qualities that I managed to dig out.

I can be sweet and funny, make people laugh. I can be good company, I can be someone people look up to.

I have a niece that I love to bits, she is a teenager, just gotten her drivers-licence (get that at 18 here). And she helped me a bit with understanding that people can look up to me. She still wants to hang out with me, what sorta teenagers wants to hang out with their 30 year old aunt?

Well she does, and that says a lot about how sweet she is, but it also says that I am a person that is likable, a person you can look up to, trust. That I am fun and nice to be around.

So yes, I am accepting that I am a likable person, to some, not all. Who are likeable to all? No one! Except maybe Groot, but he is not real is he 😛

Okay that was A, now what will B turn out to be?

I just needed a rant.

Day 14 of Blaugust

What is Blaugust? Check it at Bel‘s blog

Anook | Blaugust

Alright before you read, I am actually feeling a lot better. I wrote this last night, and I was here to bin it now, but I am deciding to post it anyways. It helped writing it, things are looking brighter today.

I told myself I wasn’t going to have any personal posts in a while, because I kind of want to get rid of that negative side of me, the anxiety and the depression.  I don’t want my blog to be that place anymore, I want it to be an anxiety free place, where it’s all about fun and things I enjoy. I don’t want to be recognized as being the anxious whiny person.

But here I am today writing about it again, I just feel I need to get my thoughts out, so they aren’t stuck swirling around again and again for 5 days.

It’s mid August, and summertime is coming to an end. Which means life will go back to normal. For me that will be going back to therapy. This time with three sessions a week.

I am starting to feel the anxiety coming creeping back because of this, I hate that we had to have a break during summer. Ruining the comfort of my routines. It was fine when I was there before summer, I had a routine, I was going each week and there was no going past it. I just had to. And when it became a habit, like going to work, I was fine with it.

But now with a break since early June, I have had a lot of time doing nothing in particular. It feels like I have to start from scratch again.

I know it will be good to get back into the therapy, it’s just that dreaded waiting part now that is killing me. Knowing the day will come closer and closer, where I enter in a new group with not only 1 day, but 3 days a week. But I haven’t heard from them yet, so I don’t even know which day we start, all I know is that it was going to be around the 18th. So I am waiting for that phone call as well.

I feel my mood has become worse, I am easily annoyed, I am often very tired and want to go to bed at 8 oclock, but I don’t because my other half says “but it’s just 8 o’clock”. So I stay up, and ending up staying up till the middle of the night instead.

Then when morning comes, I don’t want to get up, having the alarm clock set on a reasonable time, but not able to get up.

It’s usually around 12.30 at least before I manage to drag my ass out of the bed.

However, I am trying to change this slowly now, getting up before 12, slowly shift back into a more normal routine over the next week. I can’t go back into therapy at 10 o’clock with only 5 hours of sleep. I need to be awake and pay attention.

I barely talk these days, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to listen to people talk, I just want peace and quiet, silence. I just scream inside my head when people talk to me, wanting them to just be quiet. It’s not them, it’s me. I am just super irritated. I guess this is a mix of me being very tense, filling up that anxiety bar. And that feeling of being useless. Why speak when I have nothing to contribute with.

There is one thing that I will be looking forward too when I get back into therapy, and that is painting. It might sound really weird, but one day a week we are going to use paint/drawing as therapy. We are going to draw how we feel. Some of us have a hard time expression feelings, so we take use of other means to communicate. While I can talk about most things, there are probably some things I need to get out, things I don’t talk about to anyone. So I am excited to see what kind of emotions I put onto my paintings.

At least I can feel a bit of that excitement. So it’s not all gloomy.

And I am excited about my blog and blaugust. It’s been helping me keep busy, setting goals, having something to do that I feel is fun.

I’ve been trying to draw for a few days, but all just comes out as shit. Maybe I am just uninspired at the moment, and it comes out on to the paper. Cause I feel like all that I have learned has just vanished. I can’t even draw a circle for a damn head.

So I hope that after I have written this post, I will start to feel a bit better as I have thrown the thoughts out of my head, and they can now live on this black page in white letters. May they stay there and never return.

I just have to remember how far I have come in a year. I do see a lot of improvements, I have to acknowledge that and give myself a pat on the back. I remember my first day going to meet with the therapist, sweating buckets, my pulse up to over 115, by just sitting still at home waiting to leave. Having all those issues with breathing and not calming down until I was about to go home again an hour later. It was hell, and I am sure, I am positive, this wont happen this time around. Yes, I have to remember that, improvement.

Jurassic Blog | Day 5

Been busy drawing baby t-rex’s today!
Tyrannodorkus stopped by and commented on one of my posts and I ended up saying I could draw something for him, a little avatar or something. So I have been trying out different types of drawings to see if I could find something Tyrann would like.

I ended up with 3 different once.

Number One, Sir Derp’s A Lot!

derp dino!

Number two, TigerDino.

dino with stripes

And Little Spotty, which is the same drawing obviously, because Tyrann mentioned he wanted spots.

tiny dino spotsAnd last, we have.. I haven’t given it a name. Just a bit more fierce one, but still cartoony and cute.

ex full dino

It’s been a pretty good learning experience, the arms, legs and feet were very tricky, so I didn’t even make any feet on the last picture you see because that was the first one I drew and had no idea how to do them. But I ended up learning how to draw them, somewhat anyways 😛 You should have seen my first go, it was bad, really bad. So while they are not perfect yet, they are 100 times better then when I started today. It’s really nice to see improvements, especially to be able to see it in one day!

This was my first time drawing dinosaurs, except my dragon heads which are sort of similar and it was really fun.

I don’t want Tyrann to feel forced to use them though, I am a big amateur, but I hope he likes them obviously! I can’t wait to see what I draw in a year! 😀 I have been drawing almost every day, I hope I can do more of these things, when I become better and maybe draw for someone else too! Would be so much fun to give away drawings that people actually like.

Blaugust links:

BabyBel

Blaugust | Anook

The twisted Draenei, Day 3.

Yesterday I was busy with making a header for my blog. Think it’s going to take some time before I find one I truly love, so it’s probably going to change a lot these next few days. I don’t know if I like it before I have seen it a few times on the actual blog you know. Not sure about the theme either, the free themes are a bit limited.

Here is another example of a header I made and I am not sure which I like better yet.

dragon banner

I actually colored in the dragon I drew with pen and paper in February I think it was.

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And that’s the way it ended up. It’s a pretty simple drawing, but I like it, it’s not perfect but it will do.

I saw a cool steampunk dragon on Melbrankin’s blog, I think I want to try to draw something like that. But I am really bad at details, so maybe in the future 😀 I really like what he is doing with the dragon. He told me I could use one of his drawings to color, so I might just try that. Going to be difficult though as he uses so much details, but it’s worth a try and it’s all good practice.

New drawing.

Meanwhile I tried drawing my hunter, sadly without the pet, I will have to add Rohan later. Here she is, she looks very young. I think that is because her legs/thighs are very thick and maybe a bit short. But it’s progress from last time I tried. Details are shit, because I don’t have a steady hand yet, but ey, don’t look for that okay, I’m just happy I finished a drawing. Hopefully next time she’s a bit cuter. It is kind of difficult to draw from the side like this, but it’s important to try. Looks like one of her legs is broken too haha. BUT next time, NEXT TIME IT WILL BE PERFECT I TELL YOU, ehm.

draenei done

I think it looked better before I colored it heh… Guess it’s because I suck at coloring lips and such. At least I learned from it, phat legs = makes characters look smaller/younger. And try to draw a bigger kisser! 😛

draenei sketch

But I can’t wait to draw more, think I will try another Draenei or Night Elf later.

No gaming today.

I didn’t even touch a game today. But that’s fine, it’s not going anywhere. Instead we started to watch a new show on Netflix, Sense8. Drama, Mystery, Sci-Fi.

A group of people around the world are suddenly linked mentally, and must find a way to survive being hunted by those who see them as a threat to the world’s order.

I really like it so far, Eirik (BF) thinks it’s starting off a bit slow, but I don’t mind. It feels like a long movie and I love those types of series, but I won’t write anymore about it in case people want to watch it for themselves. I don’t want to be a spoiler ya know!

Blogroll.

I’ve added a blogroll, I got one from Twitter with everyone that is participating in Blaugust, hopefully everyone is there and hope no one is missing. Do inform me if you are not there.

Anyways, thanks to those who have stopped by, and those who are following! Nice to see some new faces here as well! May Blaugust be kind to you all 😛 Or something..

Toodles!

Blaugust Link’s

The man himself – Bel

Blaugust Anook