So there is this thing, the A to Z challenge. I am not sure if there are rules to this or whatever. Or if it’s just something someone made up once and just went on with it. But I think I wanna try this my own way, just writing through the alphabet whenever I feel like it. We all know that I get easily burned out from challenges, well I know okay, I KNOW! 😛
I saw SunnyBynny doing this for herself and I though. “Yeah, that sounds like fun”.
So thank you Sunny for the idea, and for following my blog around every where, these past few years haha.
Don’t know how often I will be writing these blog posts or if I will even finish, but If I don’t put a timeline on it, it’s likely that I can make it till the end. Some posts will be boring, some will be fun (hopefully) and probably be about a lot of personal stuff. But I’m not shy about writing about personal stuff, I’ve done that before 😛
So what starts with A that can describe me or fit into my thoughts, or something I like to do?! I mean there are so many, Angelic, Ageless, Awesome! Bwaha, jokes.
Okay I will start with the letter A!
This word or meaning has been a big part of my life the last few years. A word that has popped up a lot from many different people, professionals, family and friends, including myself.
To accept who I am, how I am. To accept that I am not always well, to accept all the steps I take forward, that sometimes even if I work really hard, I will fall. But not so far down that the steps forward was for nothing.
Accepting that getting better, is work in it self, that I am not a useless person who is lazy or a waste of time and space. These were hard things for me to get past, for the most part I have, but sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow.
I have earned my spot to be here, even if I am not the most productive member of society at this point, I am someone, to somebody, I am important.
I am not anxiety, nor am I depression.
But these things are apart of me. Accepting that has been hard, but I feel better accepting that these conditions are there, rather then just ignoring them and hoping they would go away.
I don’t believe they will ever go completely away. Some conquer it, some have to live with it. I think I will have to live with it. It’s not that I want to, I just believe that they will stay. I am a sensitive person, I have had anxiety’s all my life. But I have tools now, to keep it more under control. Accepting that things are shit sometimes, but I will feel better.
In some ways I think I have it easier, then the people around me.
I know how I am feeling, but for other people, who have to live with my rollercoaster-rides, how can they cope? They have to chose and accept me for who I am, and what I deal with. And that can be a tricky and hard decision to make. To accept depression and anxiety into their lives. As I said, it’s not who I am, but it is apart of me, there for it will be apart of those around me.
Maybe that is a thing I need to learn to accept, that others have to make that decision on their own. They chose to stay or leave, it’s not up to me and I should trust them to make that choice for themselves.
Accepting that I am a person that people can like.
There was a time where I felt sorry for people that had to be around me. Like in work environments, that is something I’ve mentioned before. But yes, coming to terms that I can be a likable person took a lot of therapy, a lot of hard thinking, crying, digging far into myself to find qualities that are good about myself. Understanding the fact that people like those qualities that I managed to dig out.
I can be sweet and funny, make people laugh. I can be good company, I can be someone people look up to.
I have a niece that I love to bits, she is a teenager, just gotten her drivers-licence (get that at 18 here). And she helped me a bit with understanding that people can look up to me. She still wants to hang out with me, what sorta teenagers wants to hang out with their 30 year old aunt?
Well she does, and that says a lot about how sweet she is, but it also says that I am a person that is likable, a person you can look up to, trust. That I am fun and nice to be around.
So yes, I am accepting that I am a likable person, to some, not all. Who are likeable to all? No one! Except maybe Groot, but he is not real is he 😛
Okay that was A, now what will B turn out to be?