Writing from A to Z.

So there is this thing, the A to Z challenge. I am not sure if there are rules to this or whatever. Or if it’s just something someone made up once and just went on with it. But I think I wanna try this my own way, just writing through the alphabet whenever I feel like it. We all know that I get easily burned out from challenges, well I know okay, I KNOW! 😛

I saw SunnyBynny doing this for herself and I though. “Yeah, that sounds like fun”. 

So thank you Sunny for the idea, and for following my blog around every where, these past few years haha.

Don’t know how often I will be writing these blog posts or if I will even finish, but If I don’t put a timeline on it, it’s likely that I can make it till the end.  Some posts will be boring, some will be fun (hopefully) and probably be about a lot of personal stuff. But I’m not shy about writing about personal stuff, I’ve done that before 😛

So what starts with A that can describe me or fit into my thoughts, or something I like to do?! I mean there are so many, Angelic, Ageless, Awesome! Bwaha, jokes.

Okay I will start with the letter A!

Accept

This word or meaning has been a big part of my life the last few years. A word that has popped up a lot from many different people, professionals, family and friends, including myself.

To accept who I am, how I am. To accept that I am not always well, to accept all the steps I take forward, that sometimes even if I work really hard, I will fall. But not so far down that the steps forward was for nothing.

Accepting that getting better, is work in it self, that I am not a useless person who is lazy or a waste of time and space. These were hard things for me to get past, for the most part I have, but sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow.

I have earned my spot to be here, even if I am not the most productive member of society at this point, I am someone, to somebody, I am important.

I am not anxiety, nor am I depression.

But these things are apart of me. Accepting that has been hard, but I feel better accepting that these conditions are there, rather then just ignoring them and hoping they would go away.

I don’t believe they will ever go completely away. Some conquer it, some have to live with it. I think I will have to live with it. It’s not that I want to, I just believe that they will stay. I am a sensitive person, I have had anxiety’s all my life. But I have tools now, to keep it more under control. Accepting that things are shit sometimes, but I will feel better.

In some ways I think I have it easier, then the people around me.

I know how I am feeling, but for other people, who have to live with my rollercoaster-rides, how can they cope? They have to chose and accept me for who I am, and what I deal with. And that can be a tricky and hard decision to make. To accept depression and anxiety into their lives. As I said, it’s not who I am, but it is apart of me, there for it will be apart of those around me.

Maybe that is a thing I need to learn to accept, that others have to make that decision on their own. They chose to stay or leave, it’s not up to me and I should trust them to make that choice for themselves.

Accepting that I am a person that people can like.

There was a time where I felt sorry for people that had to be around me. Like in work environments, that is something I’ve mentioned before. But yes, coming to terms that I can be a likable person took a lot of therapy, a lot of hard thinking, crying, digging far into myself to find qualities that are good about myself. Understanding the fact that people like those qualities that I managed to dig out.

I can be sweet and funny, make people laugh. I can be good company, I can be someone people look up to.

I have a niece that I love to bits, she is a teenager, just gotten her drivers-licence (get that at 18 here). And she helped me a bit with understanding that people can look up to me. She still wants to hang out with me, what sorta teenagers wants to hang out with their 30 year old aunt?

Well she does, and that says a lot about how sweet she is, but it also says that I am a person that is likable, a person you can look up to, trust. That I am fun and nice to be around.

So yes, I am accepting that I am a likable person, to some, not all. Who are likeable to all? No one! Except maybe Groot, but he is not real is he 😛

Okay that was A, now what will B turn out to be?

Personality profile – Take 2!!

So I went through an old post I made in 2015 during blaugust, and an old personality test a lot of us did back then. And I started to wonder, could this chart have changed up a bit?
I’ve gotten older, I’ve been in a lot of therapy, what is it now, 4 years of therapy? So yes, I was interested in checking.

Obviously it’s not a test to take too seriously, but ya know 😀 Huge wall of text incoming!!

Old one 2015 :

 

New test 2017:

Your Personality Profile :

Down-To-Earth, Spontaneous, Introverted, and Emotionally Reactive.

 

Openness to Experience from 1% up to 5%.

  • People who score high on Openness are inquisitive and imaginative. They like to think about “what can be” instead of “what is”. They like to think deeply and play with abstract, unconventional ideas. They enjoy trying out new things and visiting new places. They are creative, and enjoy art and aesthetic experiences.
  • People who score low on Openness are practical and grounded. They are down-to-earth, traditional, and conventional. They are focused on facts and reality, and they prefer the routine and the familiar. They seek out the stability and security that comes from conforming to widely-shared, traditional values.

So yeah – there is not much change, but there is a slight change, I’m learning VERY slowly to open up my mind a bit. But ey, we are who we are, and not everything is meant to change and not everything should change so much, yeah?

Conscientiousness from 58% down to 24%.

  • People who score high on Conscientiousness are organized and self-disciplined. They make plans and follow routines and schedules. They have a strong sense of duty and obligation. They work hard to achieve excellence and success. They are persistent, efficient, and reliable workers. They take their time to consider outcomes and alternatives when making decisions.
  • People who score low on Conscientiousness are spontaneous and flexible. They are adaptable and react well to unexpected situations and change. They find rules to be arbitrary and stifling, and don’t mind breaking them. They enjoy living life on a moment-to-moment basis, following their own whims, and often take leaps of faith to see what happens next.

This point I feel is somewhat accurate, I am happy to see this, even if it’s just a silly test. I do feel I have become a bit more flexible and can do things in the spur of the moment ( a tiny bit anyways ).  I think it’s good that I don’t always have to plan out every single thing in my life anymore. It just feels a bit more relaxed, just shows that my anxiety levels to things have decreased, the need for control is decreasing. Even if it’s still there, it’s improved!

I am however not too adaptable nor do I react well to unexpected situations. BUT I can cope with them a hell of a lot better now then I did back then.

Another point, it mentions duty and obligation. This can be a good thing, but for me it was not. It was a heavy burden of not being able to say no to anyone or anything. I think that has a lot to do with the change in the test, me being able to say “no, sorry I can’t”.

But the sense of duty when it comes to work and similar has not changed and will never do. I’m not a person who can ever slack at work or just push things over to others.

Extraversion from 2% up to 15%.

  • People who score high on Extraversion like being around people and are energetic, enthusiastic, and active in their everyday lives. They like constantly being on the move, enjoy big parties and crowds, and crave excitement and sensory stimulation. They are cheerful, optimistic, and make friends easily. They like to speak out, take charge, and are natural leaders.
  • People who score low on Extraversion are quiet, low-key, and are perfectly happy spending time alone. They tend to be reserved in social situations and keep in the background. They prefer quiet, peaceful, and relaxed environments. Their typical mood and disposition is more subdued and neutral. They are slower to reach out to others and tend to have a small circle of close friends.

Now it’s not a big bump up, but it’s a bump up! Go me! I am an introvert and will always be one. But one thing I have noticed about myself as I started working is that I am a lot more outgoing in a work scenario/work place, then I am as a private person. I guess I have a work role that  I put on, and then my home role. I’ve figured out that I can lead people if need be, I just chose not to be that person if I don’t have to. I will never crave having loads of people around me or go looking for thrills. I dislike busy areas, loud sounds and stress, and need a chilled out environment even if am able to be more outgoing.  Doubt this section of will ever grow past 20%.

Agreeableness from 93% down to 37%.

  • People who score high on Agreeableness are sympathetic and compassionate. They value cooperation, social harmony, and assume that most people are fair and honest. They are naturally trusting and sincere in their dealings with other people. They are modest, dislike confrontation, and always willing to compromise to get along with others.
  • People who score low on Agreeableness tend to be objective and skeptical. They are vigilant about other people’s motivations and tend to be more guarded and strategic in their interactions with other people. They are direct in their communication style and don’t mind openly confronting or challenging others. They value truth, justice, and making objective judgments based on reason alone.

Well there’s a huge change. Guess I lost my compassion! 😛 I know the reasons I scored so high on this the first time. And that is because I could never confront people honestly. I was scared and usually avoided situations or just agreed with the bigger masses to not be seen or made a fool of. I was never super trusting, as this test claim. It’s one of the biggest things I’ve worked on in therapy, my lack of trust and skepticism towards people. Trusting no one beyond family.

This has changed a bit though. I don’t go around thinking every man and woman on earth hates me, or dislikes me. That is absurd and I’ve started to care less as to what random people feel or may think about me. Only thing that matters is what those in my own circle think about me. And I doubt they would stick around if they didn’t like me.

I figure the reason I scored so “low” this time is because I can actually speak up and say what I want to say. If I feel like it, sometimes I just don’t wanna engage. I think I’m in a better spot now then back then, although perhaps it could be a bit more towards 50%. Which I think it will be eventually.

This little creatures body language pretty much sums up how I have been feeling inside. When it comes to speaking up, how I felt if I had to say no to someone, and how I ran around trying to have a job while feeling worthless. Things were so close, but felt impossible to reach.

 

Emotional Stability from 14% down to 3%.

  1. People who score high on Emotional Stability are calm and relaxed even in stressful and anxiety-provoking situations. They are even-keeled, fearless, and remain poised and confident when under pressure. They are difficult to provoke and are able to easily resist urges and temptations.
  2. People who score low on Emotional Stability are reactive and sensitive. They often worry about things, especially when under stress, and become nervous and tense. They are sensitive about what other people think of them, and are easily embarrassed or discouraged.

 

Main reason I think I actually scored lower here which could be interpreted as negative is a simple one. I understand more about myself, how I react. What’s the word, self – knowledge?

This happened a lot during tests when I went to therapy the first years, when I had all those written tests to take. Many times I could see my scored become higher or lower. At first I thought I was actually doing worse, therapy isn’t working. But the therapist quickly pointed out that it’s not always the case when you see how tests change from time to time. It’s just because you are more aware of your feelings and thoughts. So you are just more accurate in your tests, then the first time.

I do worry about things when I am under stress and I can freeze being unable to think straight. And I know this about myself, and that’s good. I know what kind of work I cannot do, I know what times of the day I might not feel very well. I have learned a lot of my triggers, like if I lack an hour of sleep, my day can be ruined. If I do get embarrassed I withdraw and/or get angry. But I have all that crap more under control now, then I did 2 years ago. Except the discouraged part, I give up easily on certain things, but I am not giving up my goal of becoming a better me.

All in all

I’ve taken a lot of tests over the years and I do know I have changed a lot. I still have things to work with. This might not be the most accurate test, but it’s interesting to see anyways. I am definitely not a spontaneous person, but I do consider myself as a down to earth kinda person, I know I am an introvert and I’m emotionally reactive for sure.

Wanna take the test ? 

Perhaps I will take the gamer test tomorrow, as I did 2 years ago, see if my gaming preferences have changed^^,

First of February already ?

So what’s been going on with the Lana, Missy, Mojo – whatever you wanna call me 😛 ?

Well, uhm. I mentioned at the start of the year that I was going to up my days working from 2 to 3. And so I have.

We decided on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Good news is, I have been at work 3 days a week since I started, ehm no I have not, I actually missed one day, BUT ONLY ONE!!! The “bad” news is that I haven’t managed to meet up more then one Monday. I’ve always called in sick, but I have made an appearance on Tuesdays instead.

I am not sure why Monday’s are so hard for me, I just don’t seem to be able to get out the door. So because of that I have decided to switch my day to Tuesday. That’s not the end of the world anyways. As I’ve said, I’ve managed to come almost every day, but I have noticed a change in my mood – I am more tired, obviously, which makes affects my moods a lot. I get irritated faster, more moodswings, I’ll cry a lot easier. With that I think I might have to go back down to two days.

Insert random picture cause I didn’t have one that suited the text 😛

Sort of a letdown but on the other hand, I’ve found out that I can do two days pretty much all the time now, so upping to three days sort of helped me when you look at it.

Last week I met up with the councilor and agreed to try 3 days a little bit more, just to see properly where my limits are, but she could easily see that I was drained as I ended up sitting there tearing up and crying on and off.

I had a new meeting today and I’ve told her how I feel, that while it’s a bit of a let down going back to 2 days, I feel a lot better with two, I am happy and proud of myself for making it two days and I think it’s best I stay there for a while untill I feel I can do three days properly. It’s important to me to be able to feel happy and good about the job and not push too hard and ruin that good feeling because I want working to be something I feel good about and not crap. If I don’t feel good about it I’m just gonna end up with a lot of sick days.

So here’s hoping my boss is okay with me coming 2 days, and that I am allowed with one flexi day, so I can atleast try three days those days I feel up for it.

Gaming.

Sooo… Sam had his surgery before Christmas, and we thought his recovery would be about one month. One month without his beloved PC and mmo’s. We were gonna rock FFXIV together and perhaps start raiding, getting a proper FC going and all that stuffs. But that’s not how it all ended up.

He is still recovering, it’s been 2 months and he still has an open wound on his back, taking it’s time to heal. With that he has not been able to play at all and I’ve been “stuck” gaming alone.

Yes, you should take whatever I post with a grain of salt because I am back in WoW. I didn’t feel like playing  FFXIV alone while Sam was sick, so I’ve been WoW’ing my ass off with my guild almost since the last post I posted and I haven’t really been keeping ya’ll updated cause I felt so stupid about saying I was done with the game, and yet I am back there.

A part of the reason I am WoW’ing is obviously because Sam cannot play with me. Other reasons are because our guild almost died. A lot of the raiders took a break or just vanished, while the socials up and left, understandably because there was not much going on since so many people vanished. Me and Sam are partly to blame for the guild almost dying because we weren’t there either, he as GuildLeader and I as one of the Officers.

Anyways, we took some drastic measures. First we tried a merger with a guild on our server, turned out that wasn’t a good one for us, our mindsets where totally different from the merger guild, and after one raid we saw very quickly that the merger was a bust.

After that at least our guild got a lot closer, those who were still there became more active, playing more, using discord more, teaming up more. And we only saw one way out to save our tiny guild from doom, that was a server transfer to Silvermoon. We did this in hopes of having an easier time to recruit then at Moonglade/The Sha’tar, which was basically a dry desert, with no hope for recruitment.

Our main goal was to get enought people to start a Mythic raiding guild, now, recruitment on Silvermoon ain’t easy either, while it’s a big server, there is also a lot of competition! Atleast we have gotten our tanks and healers, finally. It’s taking it’s time to get people, “Ranged dps, where are you?”. We only have about 14 -15 raiders on a good day, some of them, including me, not even properly geared yet.

But we have managed to clear Nighthold normal and killed 3 bosses on heroic, that with having to carry a few dps as well. So it ain’t all bad. I just think that dream some people have of mythics is far away, if even reachable with out guild. Only time will tell I guess.

Druid go Boom-Boom

Since we managed to get a duo of a tank and a healer, we ended up with a bit to many healers, and I decided – “Fuck it, I’ll just go dps” and thus the boomie was born. I haven’t played a boomkin before but, I guess that’s what I am “maining” at the moment. HOW LONG WILL THAT LAST ?!? !?!

I guess it’s kinda fun, at least in raids. I do find it annoying having to change talents so often, depending on bosses and trash etc. Didn’t really need to do that as a healer. We will see how long I last. At least I love my worgen, she’s a pretty cool lady, even with her seriously manly laugh.

I’ve been dabbling with some random battlegrounds which has been a laugh, even got her rank up to 25 or so, I kind of want to get it to 50 for prestige level for the artifact skin. Also heard you get mounts at certain levels, that’s going to be a grind though, but the daily PVP world quests help a fair deal.

Hunter go Pew-Pew

Also dabbling with my hunter that is pretty freshly dinged. Oni can play perhaps an hour a day standing up by his desk now, so I am playing my hunter while he is on his mage, which he is going to be using when he comes back properly.

We spent yesterday nuking our way through hordies in battleground, and we had a good time with that. Sam seems to be pretty good at his mage, although he just picked it up!

I’ve picked up both MM and BM artifact, seems MM got some better dps, but I actually enjoy the BM a lot more for some reason, even though people say it’s a bore and to simple, I really do enjoy the simplicity right now. Just spam your cooldowns and see your pet eat the mobs.

Anyways, time to game, Sam’s waiting.

Toodles.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Should have said that a bit earlier ey 😉 But it’s not to late!!!

Another year has passed. Some things have changed over the course of last year.

I went from having a bf and a dog, to being single and living alone. Alone for the first time ever in my life. Something I have always been terrified about.

The idea of living in a house or apartment was just something incredibly scary to me. Being all alone at night, sleeping alone, no one to watch out for the boogeymen in that dark corner in the bedroom, watching out for aliens beaming you out of bed in the middle of the night, or a creepy serial killer standing outside your window.

 

Yes, I have a very vivid imagination when it becomes dark outside.

But anyways, I guess for the most part I have gotten over the fear of living alone, but I do still run back to bed if I had to go to the bathroom at night 😉 So some things never change!

I’ve started working, well it’s still work assessment, but at least it is a job that normal people do but with a bit more understanding people around you. Letting you go home if you are tired or staying home if you are feeling to anxious to go. I started with 2 days a week, and will up it to 3 times a week for three months now. And after March we will have to find me something outside the work assessment, like a regular job.

I went to therapy only 6 months last year, and while perhaps I should have continued, I think I have decided to call it quits now. I’ve been through 3 kinds of groups and private sessions the past few years and there is only so much therapy can do for me. I think I’ve arrived at a place where it’s time for me to continue on my own. To be honest, I am pretty fed up with the therapy, changing therapists, groups and having to familiarize myself, talk and share, with new people all the time. I hope it’s not to soon, but I just feel so done.

I’ve gotten over my fear of driving the bus alone, that’s something! I can go where I want, whenever I want.

I’ve gotten pretty far with the whole talking to strangers thing. I used to have issues with even talking to the people at store, asking for help etc. That’s gone, I’d say that’s also a win.

I’ve had less anxiety attacks, those I have had in the last 6 months are mostly hyperventilating which I can get over pretty fast. Yes I do still have anxiety and nerves, that I don’t think will 100% pass, but it is a lot more manageable then it has been. It can still prevent me from going to work or doing social things, but not the stage where I get paralyzed and feeling like I’m going to die kinda attacks.

My depression is still here, so I still medicate. I tried going off, more then once, but I just fall into a pit, so I guess I will have to be on that for a while longer.

I’ve worked a lot with my temperament. The anger I had, I tucked it far far away for a long long time, but in 2016 it blew up in my face and I had some episodes where I really lashed out. I have managed to get a bit more hold of it now and I don’t explode as much. It’s still there and I can sometimes feel it bubble away sometimes, but I have a better grip. That’s something! Anger is a normal feeling like everything else, but everything in small dosages right?!

So I guess all in all, some positive things happened for me last year, some things hurt and still hurts, but I have things to be proud and happy about.

I miss Nemo everyday, I love him to bits, but I know he is a happy lil shar-pei at his dads.

Up, up and away…. Wait, what?

So yet again it’s been ages since last time I wrote something. I’ve been having my ups and downs, I started my antidepressent medicine again, as I had 5 months break or something. But since I had such a downer for a while, the doctor felt it best that I stared it again. I do feel a lot better now that I am on them again, even though I am having some annoying side effects from them.

I have stopped my group-therapy as I did not feel I benefitted from it, the group was not for me. I did try it for a long time though before I decided enough was enough. I mean, when you just feel worse after going, dredding going there, what’s the point then?

I have however applied for therapy not far from where I live, so hopefully I will carry on with some shape or form of therapy.

Also, I have started a new “job”. It’s a new work assessement thingy, I work at (I’ll just directly translate the name) Copy & Graphic. They basically design things, print, make posters, books, booklets etcetc. I don’t do much, I socialise, I cut stuff, glue some stuff, but only been here for a month so, perhaps I get to do more when things gets more busy. Right now, I am actually at work, doing nothing, so I am blogging, shhs…

This blogging hobby hasn’t really been keeping me busy lately, or, it’s the other way around isn’t it, I haven’t really devoted any time to it. I think when I made a second blog I just overwhelmed myself with having 2 blogs and starting a new project – Ancient Mana. I had plans to make that blog just about gaming and starting a new YouTube Channel etc… That didn’t happen, I didn’t really have any heart in it so I just gave up before I even tried.

So question is now, what do I do. I do feel like I want to blog. I think the solution I want to go with is simple.  As I have prepaid a year for Ancientmana.com, I am going to transfere my posts there, onto that blog, and retire this one.

I will just do like I used to do, mix everything into one blog. That way I wont be overwhelmed and I can just carry on writing whatever bullcrap I want to.

So during the next day or two I am going to retire this an move on to Ancient Mana, to make use of what I did pay for.

 

Rant

I guess it’s usually a positive thing if you don’t hear from me on this blog.When things isn’t to bad, I don’t always feel the need to write. Not that I haven’t written about positive things 😛 I think!?

I woke up today, and looked at the time and I was like “oh shit”, I had slept for so long..I usually sleep till like 12 or something if I can’t sleep at night, and have no problems with that, some people say that is sleeping your day away, but I don’t care. If I have nothing that needs to be done, who cares. Day is so long anyways if I was to get up at 8 in the morning and just sit there by myself, while everyone is at work, I’d be bored to death.

Today was different. I woke up, looked at the time, realized I had slept for over 9 hours straight, that’s not normal for me, the clock was past 1. I’m in my bed, staring at the clock and phone, thinking “wow it’s late in the day already” and then it hits me in the face like a truck, I have absolutely no fucking reason to get up.There is no reason, to get my feet out of bed and… and what? Nothing…  That’s so depressing.

I used to have some sort of reason, like Nemo, or ex. I’d feel like shit otherwise, I’d feel guilt for not getting up, feeling guilt isn’t that fun, but it got me up. Or I had some things I wanted to do, like gaming or had someone I needed to visit or even just going for a walk with Nemo.

I’ve had such mood swings lately, going from being fine to having tears in my eyes. I’ve had panic attacks popping up again, at random times like on the phone. Or just by sitting watching tv. Thankfully small once but not comfortable, and it just feels like a defeat having them.

I get easily frustrated and angry, I can cry from just about anything. I can take offense from absolutely nothing, like jokes or a word, maybe not offense, I don’t know, I just know I get sad so easily.

Also noticed that I am becoming more closed off again, from being so open about my feelings it’s now getting harder and harder to talk about them. I know I scored a bit high on the paranoia charts on my test at the therapist, paranoia in the sense it’s hard to trust people. It’s gone up rather then down. That might have been because I have become more aware of my feelings and what not, who knows. But I am thinking maybe that is why I am withdrawing into my bubble again.

I can live with the feeling of not having anything to get up to, not having a goal right now, that will come I guess. It’s just hard getting those rushes of loneliness. That is what makes me feel so hopeless. I have people to talk to, both IRL and online, sometimes I chose to have conversations and sometimes I don’t. So you could say I have some control of whether to be lonely or not?!

I don’t know. It’s just that I am on my own, and I have never been, alone in this apartment and I feel like no amount of talking will make it better. Even if I do talk I don’t know how to explain how I feel. I just know I am not happy. I can’t say this is why I am feeling this and that way. And that makes people just feel helpless, so it’s just better to shut up.

Good thing for me is that life starts again soon, with work assessment and therapy. Am I looking forward to it? No of course not, but will it be good for me? Probably. I struggle with thinking of the work assessment, I have no idea what I want to do there, they expect me to say I’d like to do this, while I figure out what we can do in the future. But I have no answer for them. I just gotta randomly pick a work place to hang out it.. That’s great!!! No, no it isn’t.

How is it that I cannot find one single thing that I could see myself doing? Just one little thing, teacher? Salesperson? Garbageman? Secretary? Nothing, of all the things out there, not one thing stands out, and there is not one thing I’d like to do. Why is that?

And why is it that I can’t find  some joy in thinking about the future? Why can I not shake the bad thoughts off for just a little bit so I can just find one thing that I can possibly do…

I’ve figured out one of the things that makes me hate thinking about going back to therapy and work assessment, and even getting a proper job. It’s stuck from when I was a kid, and I am sure you all are very familiar with the feeling.

You are a kid, you know the clock is closing in on bedtime. And you feel that knot in your stomach. Oh noes, bedtime???

I can’t stand that feeling, because when I go to bed, I know when I wake up the day begins and I have to get out that door. And when I get home, I look at the clock and think, “yep 4 more hours, then I’ll have to sleep, and then it will be that morning again and I have to fight with myself to get out of the door”

We all hated bedtime when we were kids. I had multiple reasons I guess. The fear of getting bullied when I got to school, the fear of leaving the house and safe place, getting homesick day in and day out.

I’ve gotten so accustom to that feeling and it has only grown over the years. It’s so big that it prevents me from doing things. It probably prevents me from actually wanting things and jobs, wishes and goals. Because I can’t stand the feeling, and cannot, I CANNOT stand the idea that I have to feel that way for the rest of my life. The same fucking feeling each night and morning. The desperation that surge through my body, it’s not only anxiety and stress. I just feel so desperate, the fight or flight mode on full throttle. The overload of feelings in this tiny body I have, is freaking moronic. What if an actual threat came to pass me? I’d probably self-destruct and explode into million pieces.

Tired.

Okaaaay!

Things have been quiet yet again. You know, like once a day or something, I think “right lets get back to the blog and write something.” But it doesn’t happen, it’s not like I am bored of blogging, quite the opposite. More like I haven’t had it in my lately. My words haven’t managed to piece themselves together to fill out sentences.

I have finished my work assessment, and had a month off now, last week I had a new meeting, and we start up again at 17th of August. This time I will be finding out what kind of jobs that can suit me, over the course of a year with trying out different things. In the end I will either end up with a job, figure out what I want to do, or perhaps starting school, again….

My new group-therapy, that I can go to once a week for like 2 years, sucks. I feel I get absolutely nothing from it, no benefit at all. And I really don’t feel a connection with the 2 therapists that are leading it. I feel like I’m sitting there, getting looks from authority figures that see through you, sometimes even getting that evil eye, or stink eye? 😛 That might not be the actual case, but that is how it feels like.

I sit there, watching the clock, thinking when is this going to end. While before in my two other groups, I was involved, we talked, we cried, we laughed. Now? Why the f*** am I even here. Cause I don’t need it?

I feel I still need it, but I feel I am stuck in a wrong group. It’s summer now though so we don’t start up again till August. I did have a private session with my new therapist, but I don’t feel like we are on the same page yet. I promised her that I will try come to the meetings, and that I will try a bit more after the summer. If not, then I’ll have to find something else. Because I am not feeling I am well enough to cope without some sort of help.

Other note, I’ve been very agitated, irritated and negative lately. I’ve pretty much yelled at whatever comes my way, feels like it anyways. So why am I angry? I don’t know, I usually get this sort of epiphany when I write on the blog, hence me bringing it up. Hmm looks around. Nope, no huge revelation popping up.

I did stop with my depression medicine a while back but perhaps I was not ready, so that might be some of the reason. Today has been hard, I’ve had 2 panic attacks, cried a bit and overall feeling pretty hopeless. Some of it might also be tied upto the lack of sleep lately. Sometimes I am lucky if I get 4 hours of sleep. Sometimes I am up 2 days straight cause I can’t get sleep, I get perhaps 30 minutes of sleep during the day. The lack of sleep will make me anxious, I know this. But I don’t understand why I can’t sleep.

When I am like this, a lot of negative thoughts come up, things I don’t want in my head. Sometimes I panic cause I think – for-whatever reason at that point – that I am going to die, so yes I panic. Then when I can calm myself and breath normally – I think, I just want to die.

I am so scared of dying sometimes, that I want to die, how does that even make sense?

It’s not like I am sitting in all the time either, I do try to do stuff now and then. I visit family, I bus down to town, go shopping, I am a damn pro at taking dem buses now yo!!

But I am not well, and it seems people notice, especially my mother because nothing escapes her eyes. She’s telling me to go to the doctors and to go see my therapist, so I guess I am not hiding it as well as I think I am. I don’t hide it that much online, but I try my best to be normal in the “real world”.

Maybe I am lonely, from never being alone, to be 100% alone in my home is a huge difference. Even if it’s gone 6 months now since me and ex split up, I have never lived alone ever. I did have proper sleep when I baby sat my mothers dog, so perhaps I could use some company. But yeah, I am not allowed to have any pets where I live, and I really don’t wanna go through another move, hard enough to get an appartement I can afford, even harder to get one where they allow pets. And since I have such a sweet deal here, it would be sort of dumb moving somewhere I might really dislike.

Kompiser.

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Well, I don’t know, this too shall pass, as it all does. I just don’t want the feelings to return….Like they always do!

Been thinking about remaking my blog yet again, I think I should start investing more time into my blog again, it did help me a lot for a while, maybe I need it back in my life, this writing?! I did think about getting my own domain – for the second time. But I should really try getting back into this and see if it will be worth it, if I end up only writing one blogpost every other months, there wouldn’t really be a point would it.

I should end with a positive note. I have my eating under control and proud to say I haven’t lost any weight the last 6 months, rather I have gone up 🙂 So go me!!

Grillings at bror snart da!

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So, cya when I cya, toodles.