C is for…

A pretty simple and short post, I hope.

I “met” Sam a year ago, through gaming, more spesificly wow. We found out we had a lot in common, spesifically gaming, but that’s not why I am writing.

We have come to the letter C…

The C will stand for CHVRCHES. It’s actually a band that Sam was very into at the time, if he is now or not, I am not sure. But I dare say that it’s one of his favorite bands. And after he introduced it to me I’ve become very fond of it, infact fallen in love with the music.

So there is not much else to say then, C equals Chvrches.

Here is one of the songs:

Maybe you don’t like this song specifically, but they do have a lot of good songs which I have fallen in love with.

But then again, all our tastes differ 🙂 This music helped me at least through some hard times.

That was C, Ciao.

It’s the letter B!

Hello to you! Hope you are having a nice weekend!? I’ve had a few days filled with a lot of anxiety, not quite sure why but it’s starting to ease up a bit now, wooho.

Anyways, it’s time for the letter B in my A-Z posts. I won’t write as a long a post today as I did last, don’t think I could do that every time.

So what will B stand for? I thought maybe beginnings… Well, it’s more of a continuation, but let’s just say beginnings!!! Or Bought!

I was feeling very down and thought damn I need another hobby to keep my busy, keep my thoughts in check. So I asked Sam, and he had tons of suggestions. One thing he suggested multiple times was drawing. I turned his suggestions down time after time cause I was in such a negative spot. But after the thoughts had gotten some time to simmer I decided, okay, let’s draw. Let’s really dig into something.

So I decided that I was gonna go back and try this drawing thing again, cause I do enjoy it. So I went online bought a few books I was looking at last time I tried drawing and I bought 3 books.  A pocketbook series from a youtuber/artist – Mastering Manga with Mark Crilley.

I have watched a lot of his videos and I really like them, so I thought I would probably like his books. I figured, it’s my birthday in a couple of weeks so why not get myself a birthday gift.

Also bought 2 different sketchbooks. One with thinner paper for sketching, and a book with really thick thick paper for when I have something I really I want to draw and color, really put my heart into.

I also bought a lot of pencils and other accessories, and some markers I have fallen in love with.

Markers feel sorta like water paint, they are expensive so I only bought 6 this time. But have my eye on another set of 12 that I will buy next month. For now these skin colored once, will have to do.

So my plan is just to doodle now and then when I feel like it. Not take it to seriously and try to have fun.

So the doodle of the day is the featured image at the top of the post. I have a background on my phone and decided to draw something very similar to it, so no it’s not 100% my creation, but I drew it! And I drew it big, cause usually I draw very small things, but this is an A3 paper. And to be honest, drawing big is a hell of a lot more fun!! Hope it brings a smile on your face, cause it have done so for me.

 

 

Writing from A to Z.

So there is this thing, the A to Z challenge. I am not sure if there are rules to this or whatever. Or if it’s just something someone made up once and just went on with it. But I think I wanna try this my own way, just writing through the alphabet whenever I feel like it. We all know that I get easily burned out from challenges, well I know okay, I KNOW! 😛

I saw SunnyBynny doing this for herself and I though. “Yeah, that sounds like fun”. 

So thank you Sunny for the idea, and for following my blog around every where, these past few years haha.

Don’t know how often I will be writing these blog posts or if I will even finish, but If I don’t put a timeline on it, it’s likely that I can make it till the end.  Some posts will be boring, some will be fun (hopefully) and probably be about a lot of personal stuff. But I’m not shy about writing about personal stuff, I’ve done that before 😛

So what starts with A that can describe me or fit into my thoughts, or something I like to do?! I mean there are so many, Angelic, Ageless, Awesome! Bwaha, jokes.

Okay I will start with the letter A!

Accept

This word or meaning has been a big part of my life the last few years. A word that has popped up a lot from many different people, professionals, family and friends, including myself.

To accept who I am, how I am. To accept that I am not always well, to accept all the steps I take forward, that sometimes even if I work really hard, I will fall. But not so far down that the steps forward was for nothing.

Accepting that getting better, is work in it self, that I am not a useless person who is lazy or a waste of time and space. These were hard things for me to get past, for the most part I have, but sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow.

I have earned my spot to be here, even if I am not the most productive member of society at this point, I am someone, to somebody, I am important.

I am not anxiety, nor am I depression.

But these things are apart of me. Accepting that has been hard, but I feel better accepting that these conditions are there, rather then just ignoring them and hoping they would go away.

I don’t believe they will ever go completely away. Some conquer it, some have to live with it. I think I will have to live with it. It’s not that I want to, I just believe that they will stay. I am a sensitive person, I have had anxiety’s all my life. But I have tools now, to keep it more under control. Accepting that things are shit sometimes, but I will feel better.

In some ways I think I have it easier, then the people around me.

I know how I am feeling, but for other people, who have to live with my rollercoaster-rides, how can they cope? They have to chose and accept me for who I am, and what I deal with. And that can be a tricky and hard decision to make. To accept depression and anxiety into their lives. As I said, it’s not who I am, but it is apart of me, there for it will be apart of those around me.

Maybe that is a thing I need to learn to accept, that others have to make that decision on their own. They chose to stay or leave, it’s not up to me and I should trust them to make that choice for themselves.

Accepting that I am a person that people can like.

There was a time where I felt sorry for people that had to be around me. Like in work environments, that is something I’ve mentioned before. But yes, coming to terms that I can be a likable person took a lot of therapy, a lot of hard thinking, crying, digging far into myself to find qualities that are good about myself. Understanding the fact that people like those qualities that I managed to dig out.

I can be sweet and funny, make people laugh. I can be good company, I can be someone people look up to.

I have a niece that I love to bits, she is a teenager, just gotten her drivers-licence (get that at 18 here). And she helped me a bit with understanding that people can look up to me. She still wants to hang out with me, what sorta teenagers wants to hang out with their 30 year old aunt?

Well she does, and that says a lot about how sweet she is, but it also says that I am a person that is likable, a person you can look up to, trust. That I am fun and nice to be around.

So yes, I am accepting that I am a likable person, to some, not all. Who are likeable to all? No one! Except maybe Groot, but he is not real is he 😛

Okay that was A, now what will B turn out to be?

Personality profile – Take 2!!

So I went through an old post I made in 2015 during blaugust, and an old personality test a lot of us did back then. And I started to wonder, could this chart have changed up a bit?
I’ve gotten older, I’ve been in a lot of therapy, what is it now, 4 years of therapy? So yes, I was interested in checking.

Obviously it’s not a test to take too seriously, but ya know 😀 Huge wall of text incoming!!

Old one 2015 :

 

New test 2017:

Your Personality Profile :

Down-To-Earth, Spontaneous, Introverted, and Emotionally Reactive.

 

Openness to Experience from 1% up to 5%.

  • People who score high on Openness are inquisitive and imaginative. They like to think about “what can be” instead of “what is”. They like to think deeply and play with abstract, unconventional ideas. They enjoy trying out new things and visiting new places. They are creative, and enjoy art and aesthetic experiences.
  • People who score low on Openness are practical and grounded. They are down-to-earth, traditional, and conventional. They are focused on facts and reality, and they prefer the routine and the familiar. They seek out the stability and security that comes from conforming to widely-shared, traditional values.

So yeah – there is not much change, but there is a slight change, I’m learning VERY slowly to open up my mind a bit. But ey, we are who we are, and not everything is meant to change and not everything should change so much, yeah?

Conscientiousness from 58% down to 24%.

  • People who score high on Conscientiousness are organized and self-disciplined. They make plans and follow routines and schedules. They have a strong sense of duty and obligation. They work hard to achieve excellence and success. They are persistent, efficient, and reliable workers. They take their time to consider outcomes and alternatives when making decisions.
  • People who score low on Conscientiousness are spontaneous and flexible. They are adaptable and react well to unexpected situations and change. They find rules to be arbitrary and stifling, and don’t mind breaking them. They enjoy living life on a moment-to-moment basis, following their own whims, and often take leaps of faith to see what happens next.

This point I feel is somewhat accurate, I am happy to see this, even if it’s just a silly test. I do feel I have become a bit more flexible and can do things in the spur of the moment ( a tiny bit anyways ).  I think it’s good that I don’t always have to plan out every single thing in my life anymore. It just feels a bit more relaxed, just shows that my anxiety levels to things have decreased, the need for control is decreasing. Even if it’s still there, it’s improved!

I am however not too adaptable nor do I react well to unexpected situations. BUT I can cope with them a hell of a lot better now then I did back then.

Another point, it mentions duty and obligation. This can be a good thing, but for me it was not. It was a heavy burden of not being able to say no to anyone or anything. I think that has a lot to do with the change in the test, me being able to say “no, sorry I can’t”.

But the sense of duty when it comes to work and similar has not changed and will never do. I’m not a person who can ever slack at work or just push things over to others.

Extraversion from 2% up to 15%.

  • People who score high on Extraversion like being around people and are energetic, enthusiastic, and active in their everyday lives. They like constantly being on the move, enjoy big parties and crowds, and crave excitement and sensory stimulation. They are cheerful, optimistic, and make friends easily. They like to speak out, take charge, and are natural leaders.
  • People who score low on Extraversion are quiet, low-key, and are perfectly happy spending time alone. They tend to be reserved in social situations and keep in the background. They prefer quiet, peaceful, and relaxed environments. Their typical mood and disposition is more subdued and neutral. They are slower to reach out to others and tend to have a small circle of close friends.

Now it’s not a big bump up, but it’s a bump up! Go me! I am an introvert and will always be one. But one thing I have noticed about myself as I started working is that I am a lot more outgoing in a work scenario/work place, then I am as a private person. I guess I have a work role that  I put on, and then my home role. I’ve figured out that I can lead people if need be, I just chose not to be that person if I don’t have to. I will never crave having loads of people around me or go looking for thrills. I dislike busy areas, loud sounds and stress, and need a chilled out environment even if am able to be more outgoing.  Doubt this section of will ever grow past 20%.

Agreeableness from 93% down to 37%.

  • People who score high on Agreeableness are sympathetic and compassionate. They value cooperation, social harmony, and assume that most people are fair and honest. They are naturally trusting and sincere in their dealings with other people. They are modest, dislike confrontation, and always willing to compromise to get along with others.
  • People who score low on Agreeableness tend to be objective and skeptical. They are vigilant about other people’s motivations and tend to be more guarded and strategic in their interactions with other people. They are direct in their communication style and don’t mind openly confronting or challenging others. They value truth, justice, and making objective judgments based on reason alone.

Well there’s a huge change. Guess I lost my compassion! 😛 I know the reasons I scored so high on this the first time. And that is because I could never confront people honestly. I was scared and usually avoided situations or just agreed with the bigger masses to not be seen or made a fool of. I was never super trusting, as this test claim. It’s one of the biggest things I’ve worked on in therapy, my lack of trust and skepticism towards people. Trusting no one beyond family.

This has changed a bit though. I don’t go around thinking every man and woman on earth hates me, or dislikes me. That is absurd and I’ve started to care less as to what random people feel or may think about me. Only thing that matters is what those in my own circle think about me. And I doubt they would stick around if they didn’t like me.

I figure the reason I scored so “low” this time is because I can actually speak up and say what I want to say. If I feel like it, sometimes I just don’t wanna engage. I think I’m in a better spot now then back then, although perhaps it could be a bit more towards 50%. Which I think it will be eventually.

This little creatures body language pretty much sums up how I have been feeling inside. When it comes to speaking up, how I felt if I had to say no to someone, and how I ran around trying to have a job while feeling worthless. Things were so close, but felt impossible to reach.

 

Emotional Stability from 14% down to 3%.

  1. People who score high on Emotional Stability are calm and relaxed even in stressful and anxiety-provoking situations. They are even-keeled, fearless, and remain poised and confident when under pressure. They are difficult to provoke and are able to easily resist urges and temptations.
  2. People who score low on Emotional Stability are reactive and sensitive. They often worry about things, especially when under stress, and become nervous and tense. They are sensitive about what other people think of them, and are easily embarrassed or discouraged.

 

Main reason I think I actually scored lower here which could be interpreted as negative is a simple one. I understand more about myself, how I react. What’s the word, self – knowledge?

This happened a lot during tests when I went to therapy the first years, when I had all those written tests to take. Many times I could see my scored become higher or lower. At first I thought I was actually doing worse, therapy isn’t working. But the therapist quickly pointed out that it’s not always the case when you see how tests change from time to time. It’s just because you are more aware of your feelings and thoughts. So you are just more accurate in your tests, then the first time.

I do worry about things when I am under stress and I can freeze being unable to think straight. And I know this about myself, and that’s good. I know what kind of work I cannot do, I know what times of the day I might not feel very well. I have learned a lot of my triggers, like if I lack an hour of sleep, my day can be ruined. If I do get embarrassed I withdraw and/or get angry. But I have all that crap more under control now, then I did 2 years ago. Except the discouraged part, I give up easily on certain things, but I am not giving up my goal of becoming a better me.

All in all

I’ve taken a lot of tests over the years and I do know I have changed a lot. I still have things to work with. This might not be the most accurate test, but it’s interesting to see anyways. I am definitely not a spontaneous person, but I do consider myself as a down to earth kinda person, I know I am an introvert and I’m emotionally reactive for sure.

Wanna take the test ? 

Perhaps I will take the gamer test tomorrow, as I did 2 years ago, see if my gaming preferences have changed^^,

Another Job done!

Hey you!

I can’t believe it’s April already! Did you fall for any funny jokes yesterday? Well I didn’t, no one even tried!!

So yeah, April – mmm nice, spring is here, almost. We have had a few nice days of good weather, the sun is finally saying hello. But you know, the snow haven’t said goodbye yet. Last week we had +20 to 30 degrees Celsius on the porch for two days, and guess what!!? Two day’s later we had a blizzard and the grass was covered in snow again. But today the sun came and ate the snow, which makes me very happy.

I can feel the mood getting a lot better, feeling some warm wind on my face, the smell of spring and blue skies. Best remedy ever and I am really looking forward to summer.

The Bard

For the past two days I have been working on my bard, trying to get it to level 60, with the help of Falcor. Man, I adore that Chocobo, it’s messed up!

I’ve been playing alone, since Sam’s back is being idiotic again. He is stuck in bed, high as a kite on a cocktail of medicine,

while I’ve been having fun in-game.

I’ve run some fate’s, dungeons and a lot of palace of the dead – a good mix really, just to get my last levels. And happy to say that I already had my PoTD weapon ready for level 60!

Sooo, yes tonight I dinged, whaaat?! I’m very happy because I’ve been wanting to level this one for a while, and really want it to be one of the main jobs in Stormblood. Straight of the bat I had gear ready, well at least some – 243 iLVL.

Bard 60 ffxiv

I did the weekly run of Dun Scaith and got some gloves, and bought new earrings and blammo – iLVL 251. That’s almost the same as my other level 60 jobs. To be honest, we don’t really do that much content at level 60 that brings in the high end loots because there is so much stuff to do in the game! We have done some Diadem and the weekly Dun Scaith, perhaps a dungeon here and there, but not focused on it. So I am actually happy I have that high iLVL just by having tons of fun, doing things randomly.

bard 60 dun scaith

New Achievement

Oh yeah, as I dinged 60 I also got my 500th commendation, wooot! That means I got a new mount. One of those magitek mounts we all have, but it’s golden. Can’t say that I was to fond of the black one, but I think the golden one actually looks kinda neat, in a so ugly that it’s cool, kinda way.

Golden Magitek Mount, 500 commendations

 

The new Glamour

And then came the glam glam, well, okay.. It came straight after I dinged.  In preparation to get to 60 I have been collecting seals to buy stuff in the foundation. Cause I had my eye on one of the sets there, sadly I didn’t get enough, but most of what was needed. What was it called? Antiquaded Aoidos Set me thinks.

For the next goal I will help Sam level his Scholar, I am not sure what I will level with him. I might just finish up some of those higher level jobs I have. Think I got 3 in the 50 area which will be nice to tick of the “to do list”.

Hope all is well with you lot. I’m saying night night now. Toodles!!!

 

To endings and beginnings.

Whazzuuup?!

Been quiet for a while again. So typical me ain’t it!? Well, I hit a tiny bloggers wall ya’know, thinking “whiine what’s the poooint?!”

Bleh just shut up, thoughts!! SHOO!

Had a hard couple of weeks, but cannot be arsed getting into it right now.

I’ve not played wow for a few months now I think?! Been a bit weird when times have been tough, as I usually just sink into WoW when things are at it’s worst. But I am not looking at returning , might finally be out of my system since I didn’t go running to it when I have been so depressed. So loving final fantasy now, and really feel it’s home.

What’s been going on in FFXIV you don’t ask ? 😉

Well some awkward things innit!?

Sam’s friend joined us, the little lalafell there! And a coworker of the lala, the angry miqo’te there. Together with them and my bro, we have ranked up our FC to 8! Me and Sam decided to demolish our own house, and rebuy it for the Free Company. So now we are basically broke. But ey, more fun to decorate!

Stage for the lalafell, but hogged by the miqo’te (older pic, we have racechanged again):

And downstairs which I decorated:

Anima

We have finally started to progress on anima weapon, it’s still low level but it has turned into a pink weapon. I think it’s at 230 Ilvl now, and we are at that part where we need to trade in materials and lore for some sand stuff. We are taking that part real slow, and improving as we go. But it feels nice doing this bit of content, it feels rewarding each time you improve upon that weapon.

 

Pegasus

We have been running around in the Diadem as well! After they remade it or whatever, I have no idea how it was before, but I like the current version. For the mount we needed 99 of those tokens that you get from the lockboxes, and it wasn’t really that hard to get 99. Only a few runs to be honest, and in the end we both got the mount! It’s actually the first mount we have gotten by farming except the one from PotD. Of course we have other mounts from quests and reward for subscribing. This was the first we actively went out to farm and get.

And I really love it, it’s gorgeous. I love how it flies and how it glides. You can see the muschles work when it runs around, details they add to things in the game is amazing, to me anyways coming from WoW.

It actually tucks it’s feet under his body when it glides ♥

 

The End is here!

Today the last mainstory quest of heavensward came out! I was eager to get home today and play through the last quests. Kinda sad that it’s “ended” though hehe. It’s been such a good expansion, when thinking about the story. But yes, it was a good ending and curious as to whats to come 😉 It gave us all rewards!! We all like that ?! Super cute set ♥

Scion Adventerur's Set FFXIV ARR
Scion Adventerures Set

As Sam was so nice and bought me a present the other day, the Valentione’s Set (and a few other bits), I mixed and matched a bit. Rawr 😛

Quite happy with that!

We have slowly been leveling things, my next goal is getting the bard 60, it’s now 53!

Here’s a little list of the progress:

In other “news”.

I’ve payed for this blog for a year, hosting and for the domain. There is only a few months left now and I am debating with myself if it’s really worth paying for another year.

For one, I don’t blog that much anymore. It’s not that my interest is gone , it’s just that a lot of the time I am not seeing the point of it. I’m a screenshot addict, I’m posting a lot on Instagram and having fun with that. I do however feel Instagram is based on – follow for follow, it’s insane. So I am not sure Instagram can replace a blog.

I mostly blog for me and do I really need to pay for that ? What I could do is find a cheaper version if there is such a thing, or maybe use free wordpress and just buy a cool theme so I am happy. I dunno, I definitely don’t want to just delete it because sometimes I do have the urge to write something. Time will tell.. All I know is I do want the option to have a cool theme, that’s the important thing, and that it’s not super slow. This one is a bit slow, think that is because I chose such a heavy theme though, so I guess I have my self to blame there.

I’m feeling kind of tired now, so going to call it there. poff

 

Miqo'te, Costa Del Sol, sea, beach, bunny

The Makeover – Miqo’te Glamour

Hello!

So I’ve made a few changes to the blog, only minor though. It now has a static front page, with “about” info. I was a bit bored at work and had nothing to do, so I tried to keep myself busy.

Therapy!? -.-

First a little real life stuff. Tomorrow I meet with new therapists at a new place. I can’t say I am really looking forward to it. I really thought I was done with that now, but it seems I can’t get away from it just yet. It’s just a meeting, to meet the new people and for they to evaluate me, I believe anyways. Don’t have a clue what they do there, what it is about, if it’s group therapy or one on one.

Since I am dredding it so much, my brother is being kind enough to drive me back and forth. I don’t know why but that really helps me feel more at ease. So fingers crossed it will all go well, which obviously it will.

Final Fantasy XIV

Yeah, not much has happened in the game these last few days. We have been so busy trying to do our wondrous tail’s book that we haven’t had much time for anything else. I just feel there is so much to do in this game that we never see the end of things, which is a VERY good thing. Probably don’t feel like that for veterans but for us it’s just one new thing after another.

The Makeover – Glamour

I have been having a lot of fun trying out different glamours, trying to find a new favorite, and I think I have. Yes yes yes, I got the bunny ears. It’s silly, but oh so cute, cmoooon.

I tried this one out first :

Was pretty happy with it, but something wasn’t quite right.

So I ended up with this, and I’m pretty happy now. I even did some PvP just to get that dress.

That’s about all I wanted to say today, dredding tomorrow a bit so just wanted a bit of distraction with writing a tiny post.

Cya later.